Shhhhh I have a secret.

Okay so maybe it’s really no secret. But I have a question. Did you know that even in your darkest hour on your worst days that God loves you. No I am serious, you can reject his love every hour of every day and guess what? He is still loving you with all he has. Can you even imagine that at all?

The reason I’m saying this? I spent so many years deflecting that love that God was always giving me. Why? Looking back I have no good reason for it. Being just a pissed of kid that had a lot that happen to him is not enough. It doesn’t add up. And I am sure I am not the only one who can admit to this. So if we are so easily able to reject the love of God just think about all the other little thing that we are so easily able to reject for no good reason. We would rather look out into the sun and find dark shade instead of looking into a dark hole and finding a light. Meanwhile, we work so hard to find this dark when light can always be right in front of you. We exhaust ourselves to pain on a constant basis in our heart.

All the while there is God sitting back with all this love for you just waiting for that moment for you to invite him into your heart and life.

I say invite him in. Let him be that easy light that is right in front of you in your life. Let him be a part of all your decision. Find a way to go to him in anxiety and sadness. Also, do not forget to go to him and thank him when everything is right. Accept that love that he is pouring into you weather you want it or not. But that you see is the real secret. You have to be willing to accept it. It is only up to you. When you do, there is nothing in life that can Take that love away from you. Trust me, when you do you won’t have to go out searching for that light it will always be right in front of you. Shining bright on your life!


Happy birthday 

It was never really hidden that I was a total accident (condom baby) being the youngest of 3 kids. But how my mom and dad even got started is an odd connection anyways. Back in the seventies when my parents met my dad was doing heroin and my mom did speed. A combination that really does not mix at all. It’s also been said that they both where bisexual, or in same sex relationships at the time. Again another major red flag. 

But they did. They started to sleep together and sure enough my mom got pregnant. Sense she was pregnant getting married seemed like the most obvious solution. Then on 7-10-77 they had Adam. While it’s pretty certain that even those first year that Adam was around drinking and drugs never really stopped. But somewhere in the midst of all that they decided that having another kid would be a great idea, one that they actually planned together. So 2 years after Adam was born on 7-9-79 Dan was born. They were pretty certain that after Dan was born they didn’t want anymore kids. But I guess God had other plans because barely one year later on 7-10-1980 yours truly came marching into this world. 

Part of me decided to write about this because it’s close to my birthday. And if you looked at the dates it’s close to my brothers and I’ s birthdays. I hated growing up with birthdays so close together. I always felt like being the youngest I got the shaft. You know kinda just like old news. I wanted my own birthday. 

Well I guess I got my wish. Both my brothers passed in dramatic fashion within 12 months of each other. 2016 was actually my very first birthday all too myself. Oddly enough not as exciting as I thought it would be. Here we go with year number two ridding solo, and I gotta say they are all I can think about. They where both crappy brothers but I love them so so much. I’d give just about anything to share my birthday with them again. I guess that “be careful what you wish for” thing can really come back to bite you in the butt. 


Volks wagon hell

This is a fairly interesting story of a vehicle(one of many) that my dad has destroyed along the way. It was one of those old style Volkswagen bus vans. You know the 70s hippie vans.

Anyway he was on one of those benders of drinking and drugs. At some point driving extremely drunk he passed out at the wheel and goes off the road and crashes into a tree on the back roads in medina. And when I say crash he really crashes into this tree. I mean if you would have seen this van you would be wondering yourself how In the world did he live? The entire passenger side was crumbled.

I remember us kids got woke up in the middle of the night and taken to the neighbors house. I don’t think I really knew exactly what was going on at the time,my mom was just frantic. When she was frantic you moved your butt, fast. You could just sense in her energy something was terrible wrong.

Believe it or not he actual walked away from that crash. He had went to the hospital got patched up and then was taken to a alcohol rehabilitation place. He was not even in the rehab place 24hrs and walked out. In fact all banged up he walked from somewhere in akron to where we lived in medina. Which is not a short walk at all. When he made it home my mom was not a happy camper. Like usual lots of yelling and fighting. That kind of stuff was never hidden from us. 

But you know somewhere in there she really loved him, you could tell. I also believe he really loved her too. Like best friends. She changed all the bandages he had and would help him shower for weeks. She took care of him like she always did. Any time he created one of these God awful messes she was always there to help clean them up. I would say that even holds true after he ended up finally leaving her for another man.(Will talk about that later)

The image of that smashed van is stuck in my head forever. At some point someone thought it was a great idea to drag it home to our house to use parts off it, to stick in another VB bus. There it sat right in the front yard on display like a high school “dont drink and drive” prom night campaign. It was so embarrassing.  Every day to go wait for the bus we would walk passed it. Get on the bus and get all kind of questions as well. At 6 years old I was like “yeah my dad got drunk and hit a tree”. It just seemed to be the normal. But thinking about it now there is something just so not normal about it. Not necessary someone’s dad getting drunk and hitting a tree. But to be that young and already be so jaded about what was really going. 

Thanks for reading. Until next time. 


My first blog……

So I am by no means a writer. In fact I have said before I have barely a 8th grade reading level. (Thank goodness for spell check).

But I have been told by many I have somewhat of a interesting story of my life and that I should share it. Maybe it would help someone in need that could relate. No I am not going to start right at the beginning, I figure I would jump around a little on it. Kind of what I feel like talking about. So if you enjoy it great and if not we’ll maybe it will be therapeutic for me and help me along.

So where I would like to start is by talking about the very first time I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart. Now if your thinking that this blog will just be about religion and me being a person that is just here to shove it down your throat it’s not. But my relationship with God is very important and I feel like it’s a great place for me to start. So I hope that does not deflect anyone.

Recently I have been thinking about that very first time I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart. I was only about 5or6 years old. It was outside this little community church that my aunt and uncle would take us too a lot as little kids.

So it was after the youth events on a Wednesday night. The pastor said “anyone who would like to have a personal relationship with Jesus and go to Heaven stay after and we can talk”. I remember thinking “well this family thing kinda sucks Jesus and heaven sound way way better let’s give it a shot”. But to my surprise it really did not work like that. We went to the side yard of the church and prayed to Jesus to forgive us for our sins and we accepted him into our hearts. I waited for that big moment was this guy Jesus going to come down from heaven in some sort of magical elevator and take us all up? But that big moment never came. It would be safe to say that at the time I did think what a crock. I had to be explained to about having the faith of Jesus and when our time on earth was up we would spend eternity in heaven. So kind of like now you win a million bucks on a scratch off and have to wait a long time before you can cash it in. So there I was at 5 years old not going to Heaven that night with Jesus but yet hopping into my aunt and uncle’s a big giant conversion van and going home to my family. I was disappointed for sure but I guess in reality I never gave up on that faith in Jesus. Sure I have had to be pushed some on it. I am by no means a perfect person that has lived the way Jesus would want us all too. But where I am at in my life now I try more harder then when I was younger.

Just this past weekend I completed my 4th half marathon. It was not my best run or my best time but more importantly I got to spend the time running with my cousin Jennifer and spend the weekend with my aunt and uncle. For many years I have lost sight of what fantastic people they are. (Due to my personal family and my own personal problems which i am sure you will learn more about.) They welcomed me into their home we had dinner and laughed our butts off. It was well needed family time. But on my way home from the weekend I stopped by that little church. It was breath taking. It was the perfect way to cap off such amazing weekend with my family. When I first got out of my car and started walking around I didn’t exactly know what to think, or maybe how I should be thinking. After a few minutes I just thanked Jesus for the life that he has given me and I said when he’s ready(hopefully not to soon) I’ll take that elevator ride. Thanks for reading. Below is a picture of the church.